Career vs. Motherhood

After much long consideration, Jorge and I finally made the decision that I should stay home with Mila and I won't be going back to work. I can't tell you how difficult a decision this was to make, but in the end we know it's the best thing we can do for Mila. We are incredibly fortunate that we can live off of one salary for a while and that this is even an option, but I can't tell you how hard it is to come to make this decision.

I really like my job and I was hoping that after working from home the last two weeks of my pregnancy and showing them that I could do it well, that they might consider letting me work from home full time. I would have someone watch her in the other room during the day while I worked. That way I could feed her when she's hungry and pop in and see her if I wanted, but still get my work done. I talked about it with my boss and he talked about it with his boss, and they just weren't open to it. I then compromised and offered to work a couple days at home and a few days at the office (my mom could watch her the days I'm working), but they weren't open to that either. I'm a graphic designer and the work I do can easily be done remotely. But my boss was concerned about me working from home permanently because it sets a precedent where everyone else will then also request to work from home. I was even willing to just work part time, but they didn't want that either. They were only willing to let me work from home 2 days a week for the first month or two, but after that, they wanted me in the office 5 days a week. Jorge and I talked about that, and we just can't commit to that. I exhausted every possibility so that I could make some kind of arrangement where I could work from home, but we just couldn't come to a an arrangement we would all be happy with. It came down to either going back full time or leaving the company. Jorge and I had many many talks about it. We are both on the same page and realize that it would be best for Mila if I stayed home.

We both agree if we had to put her in daycare, we would, but if we don't have to and we can make it on one income and I can stay home with Mila, then that's the best thing we can do for her. Not only that, but if I wanted to continue to breastfeed, it would become a problem. Pumping at work is possible, but it's uncomfortable -- especially with all the clogged milk ducts I've been having. If she's not on the breast frequently or if I pump too much, I definitely get clogged and it's EXTREMELY painful. I've gotten clogged milk ducts 4 times in the last two weeks and I was only pumping twice during the night so I could build up a supply in case I went back to work a couple of days. I can't imagine I would continue to give her breast milk if I had to pump all day, every day and deal with the clogged ducts continuously. And if I'm not breastfeeding, then would going back to work really be worth it? Yes, we'd have more income, but at what cost?

At the same time I'm still coming to terms with it. It's a hard transition to make. I know lots of moms would love to be in my shoes, but it isn't easy. I've been working since I was a teenager and to suddenly not be -- to suddenly not be bringing in an income, making my own money, being independent -- is a big change. I've always been career-oriented and I always thought I would go back to work after having a baby. But now that it's time to go back, I really struggled with this decision. It's hard to decide to leave a good job, a steady income, fun coworkers and cool projects. I've worked hard to get where I am in my career. I'm a great employee and my job really loved me -- I went to school, got my degree, and dammit, I'm good at what I do! Now being a first time mom, I'm struggling to figure this parenthood thing out and I just don't always feel confidence with Mila that I felt at work. I do feel happy when my sweet baby coos at me and especially now that she's starting to smile... I just melt... but I also get frustrated when all she wants is to be held and I don't get a minute for myself. It's enough to drive a girl mad!

There are definitely pros and cons to this whole situation. The perfect balance would have been to go into the office a couple days and work from home the rest of the days. That would have been ideal. The best of both worlds! It's such a bummer we couldn't work it out. But I really believe I'm doing what's best for Mila. Jorge has been incredibly supportive and I know if I decided to go back to work he'd be fine with it. But jobs will always be there and Mila will only be this age once. If I can spend it with her, then I want to. I know it won't be easy, especially since she's so small, but I know it will get better... I realize I just need to be patient.